a short post about my testicles.

I’m drunk, and that can only mean one thing.

I’m playing with Legos. 

Legos are awesome. Like… really awesome. But for some reason, people think it’s weird for an adult to like Legos, and that makes me sad. Apparently models are a good hobby for an adult, but Legos are just too juvenile for an adult to be using to amuse themselves. 

That’s why I get drunk when I play with them though. Alcohol has the magical ability to suddenly make normally weird things into completely acceptable activities. And honestly, it makes the Legos a lot more entertaining.

Sober, I can only build the same set a couple times. But when I’m drunk, I can assemble and disassemble these things a few dozen times before I finally go to bed.

There isn’t much else for me to post here. So here is a comic type thing :-D

click it to view full size

it's crazy sexy ;)

So it’s been awhile since I’ve worked around large amounts of people (bath and body works, early 2009). Working at my mom’s dog grooming shop was kind of close, but really, I barely had to see any humans besides my mom and sister.  But now I’m working at fast food, and I have to say, even though I love my job and co-workers, I fucking HATE some of the people. Seriously, I cannot fathom some of the things our customers do. And my job barely requires me to be near customers. I’m basically a fucking janitor, and I’m still seeing/hearing things that would make my job drop if I didn’t have to fake being a happy human being (rather than the narcissistic, pessimistic asshole that I am). Here are some examples of how much people suck.
 ~ ~ ~

So I was cleaning the windows on the front doors, and this old man is just kind of standing there watching me. As I finish one section, he says something to the effect of

“they sure keep you busy here!”

I grin and reply “oh, it’s not too bad. I don’t mind the work.”

It’s at this point that the old man places his hand on the section he just watched me clean, and proceeds to drag his hand down the glass.

My composure around guests is generally moderately unshakeable. I am a smiling force of nature. A pack of rampaging homophobic Mormon missionaries couldn’t shake my false composure.

but this single act literally caused my jaw to drop.

And then the old fart looked me straight in the eye, and said…

“just making sure you keep busy”

and then he left.

~ ~ ~

Another fine example happened when I was cleaning the bathrooms. I had finished the boy’s room, and was nearly finished with the women’s, when suddenly someone tries to open the door. The knob jiggled, then it jiggled a bit more, and then the door violently shook, and finally, there was a polite and quiet knock.

“I’ll be out in just a moment” I said. And less than 30 seconds, I walked out to find a woman waiting by the door.

“you know…” said the woman “I’m REALLY uncomfortable with a man cleaning the woman’s restroom. How do I know you’re not some sort of peeping Tom?”

“well ma’am, that’s unlikely since it’s a one person restroom.” I replied without letting my false charisma falter. The woman’s face contorts into a look of extreme insult, and she quickly snaps back at me.

“WELL HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?!?” she then pushes her way into the restroom and attempts to slam the door (which isn’t really possible, given the mechanism of the door.)

~ ~ ~

so this story didn’t happen to me directly, but rather, it happened to my coworker. The work phone is ringing at 6:00am, and Ashlee answers it. Now, I only have ashlee’s side of the conversation, but I’ll give what I’m pretty sure the caller said.

Ash: Thank you for calling Oak Harbor fast food, how can I help you?

Caller:  HI, do you have teriyaki bowls?

Ash: I’m sorry, we don’t have those available at the moment. We should have them later today.

Caller: WHAT?!? THAT’S BULLSHIT!!!

Ash: well I’m afraid we don’t have any rice at the moment, and it will take awhile for the rice to cook.

Caller: WELL I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS! YOU SHOULD HAVE THAT STUFF READY ALL DAY LONG!!!

Ash: I’m sorry ma’am, but we don’t serve those at night, and it takes time to cook the rice.

Caller: WELL I DON’T NEED THE RICE, I HAVE MY OWN. I JUST NEED THE REST OF THE STUFF.

Ash: I suppose we could do that for you…

Caller: IT’S BULLSHIT THAT YOU DON’T HAVE THE RICE THOUGH! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! HAVEN’T YOU EVER HEARD OF GOOD CUSTOMER SERVICE?!?!?

this conversation went on for some time, and once it became apparent that the woman really only wanted to yell at someone, she was hung up on.

that’s not the end of the story, the woman called us non-stop for the next half hour until another of my co-workers answered and told the woman she could come in and we’d happily give her a teriyaki bowl without the rice.

the woman never came in.

~ ~ ~

 I have plenty of other stories I could (and will) share, but this post is already obscenely long. And for that, I apologize (not really. I hate you all.) and for now, here is a comic ^_^

it's back, bitches.

And so it began (for a third time)

As the world descended into darkness, a light came forth. And it was good.

And the people looked upon this light and asked “what is this beacon of hope?”

And the light replied, “you know me. All of you do. I have died, and come back. I left you, but I return to spread hope and love.”

The crowd was silent, save for a single small child that spoke up.

“Are you Jesus?”

“what? No. are you ridiculous? I’m fucking Divide by Zero.”

Okay, serious note, I feel I owe an explanation as to why I haven’t posted in six months. There are a number of reasons why and I’m a fan of lists. soooooo… LIST TIME!!!!

1.      I’m a lazy bastard. I know, that’s a bad reason, but it’s a reason nonetheless. Of course, it’s also one of the least important reasons, but I feel like I should own up to it.

2.      My life has been kind of boring. Well… okay that’s only partly true. My life has been filled with a lot of exciting and dramatic things, but either they weren’t funny, or they were very private (for other people. I’m happy to blog about my “private” things.

3.      I’ve been very sad. The extent of my employment was working for my mom at a dog grooming salon. You would have been sad too. Now here’s the thing, sad Michael is very funny, but not in a way that really goes with this blog at all. But now I’m employed at a job that I actually love, so I’m happy ^_^

4.      I had no real inspiration. Most of my days consisted of staying at home alone, with naught but the company of my cats. Seeing as my cats already filled my facebook and reddit posts, I felt that they should be a minimal presence on D over Z. As I had no other real inspiration besides things I shouldn’t share with the world, I had to start resorting to my back-up blog posts, and I ran out of those pretty quickly. But now I have a job that requires me to work with the public (well, public adjacent), so inspiration is bountiful.

5.      I’ve had a distinct lack of alcohol whenever I’ve had access to something I can write on/with. My writing abilities are almost directly related to the amount of alcohol in my system. the general relationship is that the amount of alcohol related in my willingness to post what I write is rather direct, until (that is) I hit a average of 9/10 (with 10 being black out drunk) at which point my hands decide that they don’t have to listen to my brain, and they start typing whatever the hell they want. Of course, usually when I have booze, I’m out and about, and don’t have anything to record my thoughts with. But now I have a job, so I can buy alcohol and can be drunk enough to write AAAAAALLLLLLLLL the time.

And so here it goes again. I’m making no promises this time. I’ll try to update regularly, but there may be weeks I go without. Regardless of those weeks though, I’ll try my best to not let it die again.

And because I know some of you have absolutely no patience at all for the shit I write, here’s a comic.