this one doesn't have a point. it's just for tits and giggles.

Today's blog is brought to you buy the letter "B", as in boobies. Whose boobies you might ask? My friend Caitlin's. And they are those magical and splendid boobies in the world (sorry Aunt Alicia). I have had many adventures involving her boobies, including the event that I feel cemented our friendship.


It was back toward the beginning of my sophomore year, when I would sleep through my entire biology class, but still pass all the tests somehow. This was one of the rare days where I stayed awake, but as a result, I zoned out quite easily. Unfortunately, at the time, my default "zone out" position caused me to appear as though I was staring straight at Caitlin’s knockers. Well she noticed this, and decided to express her distain. She stood up and yelled at me

"GOD DAMMIT MICHAEL!!! STOP STARING AT MY BOOBS!!!"

At this point the entire class stops and Mr. Van just stood there silent for a second. I tried to stammer out that I wasn't staring at her chest and apologized a couple times and Mr. Van just went on with the lesson. From that day on, Caitlin and I were great friends.


Now let's discuss a bit more about her chesticles. First of all, they've gone up 4 cup sizes since I've known her. Any time she buys a bra that is the proper size and they're given some breathing room, they start growing again. It's been a running joke to take her into Victoria’s secret periodically to force her to get resized. She was a 34-DD last time we checked. My boyfriend and I hope they'll keep growing until she can use them to crush soda cans.


Now here is the oddest thing about her boobs. Dispute their size. They are fantastically perky. I mean, I've seen A LOT of breasts in my life (more than many straight men) and usually once they become large C-cups, they start to sag pretty drastically. But the one time I've seen her topless, I was shocked by how perky they were. Then I screamed like a little girl because I DID NOT want to see those. Seriously... I freaked. I mean, she's been one of my best friends for years. It just wasn't something I wanted to see. Plus I was a bit worried she might want to kill me. Fortunately she knew it was an accident, so my life and testicles were spared.


But I digress, Caitlin, if you are reading this I would like to remind you to be proud of your fun bags. Flaunt them with the utmost pride. And to my straight male and lesbian friends, be careful. Caitlin is a lot stronger than she looks, and will beat you if you deserve it (I know from experience).


And now for a comic. CTVF

suck it, Hogwarts.

So… I was going to post about slow people who walk in front of you when you’re in a hurry (thank you Gretta for the idea).that was actually something that happened to me today, and it made me want to beat nuns using babies covered in the pelts of baby koalas. But I will not be blogging about that today. Maybe some other day, but not today.

In this post, I will be blogging about my friend Pita’s period. I only thought of this because she posted on my facebook wall the phrase “SIZZLE BACON SIZZLE SIZZZZZLLLLEEEE”. I will start by telling you the story of why this phrase makes me think of Pita’s Period.

It was back in the early weeks of our friendship. Pita and I were sitting in our philosophy/English 101/103 class. We had just started and already one of the teachers was droning on and on about something that had little to do with what we were supposed to be studying. Suddenly, Pita puts her hand on my shoulder.

“Mike…”

“yes?”

“Mike!”

“what?”

“come closer…”

I move my head closer to hers, and she whispers in a tone that was both seductive and terrifying…

“My fallopian tubes are sizzling like bacon…”

Needless to say, I was both shocked and amused by this statement. I instantly clap my hands over my mouth in an attempt to stifle the grand laughter that was trying desperately to escape my body. I don’t think it was enough though, as at that moment the teacher paused for a second, likely deciding whether or not he wanted to know what I found so amusing (my teachers learn very quickly that my mind is a scary place). He must have decided not to expose the class to the likely perversion that would come forth had he asked me what the deal was, as he continued on with his monologue.

And thus mine and Pita’s friendship was cemented for time and all eternity. This grand encounter also led to my learning many things about Pita and her period. For a time (when we shared many classes) I actually kept her period scheduled into my calendar, with alerts telling me when she started to PMS. My familiarity with her monthly visitor led to me being her menstruation confidant. I still have the multi-page handwritten letters she would give to me between classes, in which she would share her most powerful hatreds she would develop during those times, as well as an in depth description of her experiences with her reproductive system revolting against her.

These descriptions included comparing her uterus to a “hate filled fiery hell pit” and her ovaries to “a nuclear reactor rapidly approaching meltdown”. The cramps were “her body attempting to expel her innards through her belly button.”

Now these magical metaphors go on, but I cannot recall the rest, and unfortunately the letters containing these masterful uses the English language are at another location. So if Pita is capable of reading this, I would appreciate her commenting with more of those vivid visualizations.

And now for a comic. CTVF

someday, you will all bow to me... probably...

So here is the story of my day. Thought you guys could appreciate it.

I leave my house to go to the store, and I see someone else walking down my road. No big deal, it happens from time to time. Then I see him stop at the end of our lane, and I just assume he’s waiting for someone to pick him up. So then I walked the 10^th of a mile uphill to the bus stop. I see the bus coming down the road, and then I see the something that pisses me off.

That guy I saw earlier waves down the bus, and gets on. So a minute later, the bus gets to where I am (the actual stop) and I get on the bus. Now I didn’t want to let this bug me too much. Sure I consider that to be an immensely lazy move, and this guy had long hair (which always makes me rage a bit), but it’s a small thing, and it didn’t really hurt/hinder anyone.

So I ride the bus along and get off by Albertsons. I go in, grab some cat food and bread, and head to the checkout line. As I’m walking there, some lady see me going for the express lane (which happened to be the shortest line) and she literally breaks into a sprint and runs to get there before me. ‘Okay, no big deal’ I thought to myself, until I saw just how much shit she had in her cart. This was the 15 items or less lane, and this women had a cart STUFFED with shit. If she had a few items more than  the limit, I wouldn’t have cared, but there was no way I was letting this bitch get in front of me.

I grabbed her by the shirt and told her to get her ass to the proper line. Then this skank pulls a fucking knife on me. I jump back as she tries to slash it at my face. I kick the knife out of her hand and she tries to take a swing at me. I block the strike, and counter it with a punch to her right boob. Well apparently her tits were her weak spots because she exploded into a burst of confetti and candy.

Okay, I made that up. In reality I tapped her on the shoulder and reminded her that this was the express lane for 15 items or less. Of course then she said something that made me wish the above was true. She said “I don’t care, I’m in a hurry.” And she turned her back on me. Fortunately at this point the clerk saw how much she had and told her that she needed to get in another lane.

Now at this point another woman gets in line behind me. I guess she noticed me loading my cat food and bread onto the belt. So she tapped me on the shoulder and asked

“Oh dear, is all of that for you?”

To which I replied

“Yes. Have you ever had a dry cat food sandwich? They’re delicious!”

Okay, that was a lie… what I really said was

“Umm… no… the bread is for toast, and the cat food is for my cats”

The woman said okay, and that was the end of that. I went to the bus stop, where I was going to wait for the next 25 minutes.

While I’m standing there, this rather adorable looking guy comes up to me. it’s obvious that he was a shy guy, and just talking to me seemed to be taking all of the courage he’d saved up for the last several years. We exchange some niceties, and it was obvious he was gay. Then the fun part started he asked me

“Umm… so… umm… are you gay?”

“Haha, you’re a bit forward. What if I said I was straight?” of course I meant this as a joke, but I quickly had to explain that I was in fact gay and he had nothing to worry about, as the look on his face was as though he had just asked a amputee about his stump. Instantly he relaxed again and asked me another question.

“Umm… so… uh… would you, maybe, want to go out some time?”

“I would love to, except I already have a boyfriend. But…”

I was then cut off by a barrage of apologies. This guy looked like he had just accidentally punched a baby. He said sorry over and over without letting me say another word. Then he quickly ran off seeming to forget that he had a bus to catch.

Yeah, I’m not making that up. He was waiting for the bus that came before mine. I feel even worse about this because had he waited just a second, I would have told him that I would love to be friends. But alas, I fear I embarrassed that poor kid, and possibly scared him out of ever asking anyone out again.

So, I get on my bus when it gets there, and who should be on the bus, but the guy from the beginning. Now, despite being filled with the urge to kick him in the chest and give him a haircut, I calmly sat down. We got to my stop, and I got off. Then as the bus pulls away, I see it stop at the bottom of the hill. That jackoff was too fucking lazy to walk DOWN HILL. I was pissed, so I did what anyone in my position would do. Using the powers I had gained during an accident that occurred while experimenting with Flaming Hot Cheetos and Mountain Dew, I flipped that douche off and sent a blast of energy down the hill that destroyed his hair, and gave him a permanently limp dick.

Okay that didn’t happen. But I REALLY wish it had. Seriously, I know I promised not to abuse my powers like that, but I hate to see people who are that fucking lazy. I might not be the most active person, but come on… a 10^th of a mile down hill?

I guess there wasn’t much of a point to this post, other than to express exactly what goes through my head during the day. Oh, and I really feel bad for that poor guy who tried flirting with me, he seemed legitimately nice… well here’s something that might actually amuse you. A comic!!! CTVF

ATTENTION WORLD: I SUCK. THAT IS ALL.

Alright everyone, this is my new year’s resolution. I will be doing no less than one blog post a week. And I fully expect everyone to hold me to it. If I go without posting something at least once during a Sunday to Saturday period (unless I post something about extenuating circumstances) I fully expect everyone here to spam my inbox with anything you want. My email is (redacted)

Now to make up for my absence, I will share this with you.

 I had a revelation the other day. If you want to hate something more than anything else in the world, make it your alarm to wake up. Seriously, it works. As long as your primary experience with whatever it is that you want to hate is when you wake up, you WILL despise it. I had this realization the other day when I was watching TV. My alarm is on my iPod, and the best sound I've found for waking myself up is the "evacuation alert" noise. You know, that noise they use in movies after the bad guy base has been set to self destruct. Well on this day, I had the TV on in the background while I was cooking, and whatever show was on played that noise, and I actually started getting mad. By the time they stopped the noise, I was in as foul a mood as I've ever been. And it permeated my mood for about twenty minutes.

At first I couldn't figure out why I was mad, but then it hit me. It was the alert noise. I used to not mind that sound, but now I completely and totally hated it. This noise, that I usually only heard for a few seconds a day had become the bane of my existence. I was blown away by this realization.

Upon further reflection, I realized this was the same for EVERY noise that I have ever used regularly as an alarm for waking up. From that standard electronic buzz-like noise for many digital alarm clocks (which I haven't used in about a year) to the shrill bells of an analog alarm clock (which I haven't used in almost 8 years).

These noises all have the ability to simultaneously make me cringe AND infuriate me. They can take my from being totally happy go lucky, to wanting to dick punch Mr. Rogers (overly happy Fucker). I know it's completely irrational, but unless I catch myself, it's out of my control.

I'm sure it's some kind of Pavlovian effect, and if I were a morning person it likely wouldn't be as bad as it is now. But as of right now, every time I hear that evacuation noise (or any of the other noises I mentioned) I want to start blowing shit up.

So this is a safety note to you all. Should you ever purposely try to annoy me with one of these noises, I swear to FSM that I will make you regret it. This will likely include the use of a koala, and your rectum.

So yeah… I’m sorry it’s been so long. And if I ever start to fail at life like that again, just spam my email until I post again.

And now for a comic. CTVF