suck it, Hogwarts.

So… I was going to post about slow people who walk in front of you when you’re in a hurry (thank you Gretta for the idea).that was actually something that happened to me today, and it made me want to beat nuns using babies covered in the pelts of baby koalas. But I will not be blogging about that today. Maybe some other day, but not today.

In this post, I will be blogging about my friend Pita’s period. I only thought of this because she posted on my facebook wall the phrase “SIZZLE BACON SIZZLE SIZZZZZLLLLEEEE”. I will start by telling you the story of why this phrase makes me think of Pita’s Period.

It was back in the early weeks of our friendship. Pita and I were sitting in our philosophy/English 101/103 class. We had just started and already one of the teachers was droning on and on about something that had little to do with what we were supposed to be studying. Suddenly, Pita puts her hand on my shoulder.

“Mike…”

“yes?”

“Mike!”

“what?”

“come closer…”

I move my head closer to hers, and she whispers in a tone that was both seductive and terrifying…

“My fallopian tubes are sizzling like bacon…”

Needless to say, I was both shocked and amused by this statement. I instantly clap my hands over my mouth in an attempt to stifle the grand laughter that was trying desperately to escape my body. I don’t think it was enough though, as at that moment the teacher paused for a second, likely deciding whether or not he wanted to know what I found so amusing (my teachers learn very quickly that my mind is a scary place). He must have decided not to expose the class to the likely perversion that would come forth had he asked me what the deal was, as he continued on with his monologue.

And thus mine and Pita’s friendship was cemented for time and all eternity. This grand encounter also led to my learning many things about Pita and her period. For a time (when we shared many classes) I actually kept her period scheduled into my calendar, with alerts telling me when she started to PMS. My familiarity with her monthly visitor led to me being her menstruation confidant. I still have the multi-page handwritten letters she would give to me between classes, in which she would share her most powerful hatreds she would develop during those times, as well as an in depth description of her experiences with her reproductive system revolting against her.

These descriptions included comparing her uterus to a “hate filled fiery hell pit” and her ovaries to “a nuclear reactor rapidly approaching meltdown”. The cramps were “her body attempting to expel her innards through her belly button.”

Now these magical metaphors go on, but I cannot recall the rest, and unfortunately the letters containing these masterful uses the English language are at another location. So if Pita is capable of reading this, I would appreciate her commenting with more of those vivid visualizations.

And now for a comic. CTVF