someday, you will all bow to me... probably...

So here is the story of my day. Thought you guys could appreciate it.

I leave my house to go to the store, and I see someone else walking down my road. No big deal, it happens from time to time. Then I see him stop at the end of our lane, and I just assume he’s waiting for someone to pick him up. So then I walked the 10^th of a mile uphill to the bus stop. I see the bus coming down the road, and then I see the something that pisses me off.

That guy I saw earlier waves down the bus, and gets on. So a minute later, the bus gets to where I am (the actual stop) and I get on the bus. Now I didn’t want to let this bug me too much. Sure I consider that to be an immensely lazy move, and this guy had long hair (which always makes me rage a bit), but it’s a small thing, and it didn’t really hurt/hinder anyone.

So I ride the bus along and get off by Albertsons. I go in, grab some cat food and bread, and head to the checkout line. As I’m walking there, some lady see me going for the express lane (which happened to be the shortest line) and she literally breaks into a sprint and runs to get there before me. ‘Okay, no big deal’ I thought to myself, until I saw just how much shit she had in her cart. This was the 15 items or less lane, and this women had a cart STUFFED with shit. If she had a few items more than  the limit, I wouldn’t have cared, but there was no way I was letting this bitch get in front of me.

I grabbed her by the shirt and told her to get her ass to the proper line. Then this skank pulls a fucking knife on me. I jump back as she tries to slash it at my face. I kick the knife out of her hand and she tries to take a swing at me. I block the strike, and counter it with a punch to her right boob. Well apparently her tits were her weak spots because she exploded into a burst of confetti and candy.

Okay, I made that up. In reality I tapped her on the shoulder and reminded her that this was the express lane for 15 items or less. Of course then she said something that made me wish the above was true. She said “I don’t care, I’m in a hurry.” And she turned her back on me. Fortunately at this point the clerk saw how much she had and told her that she needed to get in another lane.

Now at this point another woman gets in line behind me. I guess she noticed me loading my cat food and bread onto the belt. So she tapped me on the shoulder and asked

“Oh dear, is all of that for you?”

To which I replied

“Yes. Have you ever had a dry cat food sandwich? They’re delicious!”

Okay, that was a lie… what I really said was

“Umm… no… the bread is for toast, and the cat food is for my cats”

The woman said okay, and that was the end of that. I went to the bus stop, where I was going to wait for the next 25 minutes.

While I’m standing there, this rather adorable looking guy comes up to me. it’s obvious that he was a shy guy, and just talking to me seemed to be taking all of the courage he’d saved up for the last several years. We exchange some niceties, and it was obvious he was gay. Then the fun part started he asked me

“Umm… so… umm… are you gay?”

“Haha, you’re a bit forward. What if I said I was straight?” of course I meant this as a joke, but I quickly had to explain that I was in fact gay and he had nothing to worry about, as the look on his face was as though he had just asked a amputee about his stump. Instantly he relaxed again and asked me another question.

“Umm… so… uh… would you, maybe, want to go out some time?”

“I would love to, except I already have a boyfriend. But…”

I was then cut off by a barrage of apologies. This guy looked like he had just accidentally punched a baby. He said sorry over and over without letting me say another word. Then he quickly ran off seeming to forget that he had a bus to catch.

Yeah, I’m not making that up. He was waiting for the bus that came before mine. I feel even worse about this because had he waited just a second, I would have told him that I would love to be friends. But alas, I fear I embarrassed that poor kid, and possibly scared him out of ever asking anyone out again.

So, I get on my bus when it gets there, and who should be on the bus, but the guy from the beginning. Now, despite being filled with the urge to kick him in the chest and give him a haircut, I calmly sat down. We got to my stop, and I got off. Then as the bus pulls away, I see it stop at the bottom of the hill. That jackoff was too fucking lazy to walk DOWN HILL. I was pissed, so I did what anyone in my position would do. Using the powers I had gained during an accident that occurred while experimenting with Flaming Hot Cheetos and Mountain Dew, I flipped that douche off and sent a blast of energy down the hill that destroyed his hair, and gave him a permanently limp dick.

Okay that didn’t happen. But I REALLY wish it had. Seriously, I know I promised not to abuse my powers like that, but I hate to see people who are that fucking lazy. I might not be the most active person, but come on… a 10^th of a mile down hill?

I guess there wasn’t much of a point to this post, other than to express exactly what goes through my head during the day. Oh, and I really feel bad for that poor guy who tried flirting with me, he seemed legitimately nice… well here’s something that might actually amuse you. A comic!!! CTVF

ATTENTION WORLD: I SUCK. THAT IS ALL.

Alright everyone, this is my new year’s resolution. I will be doing no less than one blog post a week. And I fully expect everyone to hold me to it. If I go without posting something at least once during a Sunday to Saturday period (unless I post something about extenuating circumstances) I fully expect everyone here to spam my inbox with anything you want. My email is (redacted)

Now to make up for my absence, I will share this with you.

 I had a revelation the other day. If you want to hate something more than anything else in the world, make it your alarm to wake up. Seriously, it works. As long as your primary experience with whatever it is that you want to hate is when you wake up, you WILL despise it. I had this realization the other day when I was watching TV. My alarm is on my iPod, and the best sound I've found for waking myself up is the "evacuation alert" noise. You know, that noise they use in movies after the bad guy base has been set to self destruct. Well on this day, I had the TV on in the background while I was cooking, and whatever show was on played that noise, and I actually started getting mad. By the time they stopped the noise, I was in as foul a mood as I've ever been. And it permeated my mood for about twenty minutes.

At first I couldn't figure out why I was mad, but then it hit me. It was the alert noise. I used to not mind that sound, but now I completely and totally hated it. This noise, that I usually only heard for a few seconds a day had become the bane of my existence. I was blown away by this realization.

Upon further reflection, I realized this was the same for EVERY noise that I have ever used regularly as an alarm for waking up. From that standard electronic buzz-like noise for many digital alarm clocks (which I haven't used in about a year) to the shrill bells of an analog alarm clock (which I haven't used in almost 8 years).

These noises all have the ability to simultaneously make me cringe AND infuriate me. They can take my from being totally happy go lucky, to wanting to dick punch Mr. Rogers (overly happy Fucker). I know it's completely irrational, but unless I catch myself, it's out of my control.

I'm sure it's some kind of Pavlovian effect, and if I were a morning person it likely wouldn't be as bad as it is now. But as of right now, every time I hear that evacuation noise (or any of the other noises I mentioned) I want to start blowing shit up.

So this is a safety note to you all. Should you ever purposely try to annoy me with one of these noises, I swear to FSM that I will make you regret it. This will likely include the use of a koala, and your rectum.

So yeah… I’m sorry it’s been so long. And if I ever start to fail at life like that again, just spam my email until I post again.

And now for a comic. CTVF

so... i fail at life right?

yes i know... it's been weeks... fuck you it's not easy being funny or clever. but I know you all love me and I've betrayed that love by not posting anything for weeks. so to make it up to you, I'll tell you an embarrassing story about my mother/myself.

once upon a time, me and my sister were talking about birth control. now I've no idea why we were on that subject, and I've no idea how my mom heard us, but my mother did hear us and decided to walk over and give us her input.

"did you two know that Michael is proof the pull-out method doesn't work?"

my jaw hit the floor... seriously what the hell... my mom just informed me of the truth of my conception. what mother does something like that?

my mother, seeing the look on my face, starts giggling like a little girl. she seemed to think the scarring of my psyche was the funniest shit on earth. since then she has occasionally told me other fun facts about her bedroom habits, and that is the story of why I feel I must periodically give my mother a bit of insight into my sex life.

revenge is a bitch.

and now for a rather inspired comic CTVF

*twitch twitch*

I was sitting at the bus stop the other day, when i got to thinking about just how awesome my iPod is. so i decided to write Apple a letter.

Dear Apple Inc.,

I've been an avid iPod user for years now, but this is not to say I'm happy with your products. I will happily attest to anyone I meet that Apple ruins lives, and using their products is akin to using heroin. how you ask? well I shall explain.

Through the years you had had rather pleasant experiences with lesser drugs (other electronic products). you used pot (HP computers) on a regular basis, perhaps sometimes poped a prescription pill or two (any cellphone other than the iPhone), and you'd even been known to dabble with stronger drugs such as Ecstasy (Zune). You had always chosen to avoid the "hard drugs" however (this is ANY Apple product), simply because you didn't want to be involved with that kind of thing.

But alas you were only human and after much coaxing and prodding from people at a party, you decided to give heroin a try. The high was amazing. You felt like you were on top of the world. Out of all the methods of getting high you had tried in your life, none of them compared to this. And that was how it all started.

You decided you didn't want to do it again, simply to avoid getting addicted. But it was too late, because nothing you did after that could compare to how you felt that night. No matter how much weed you smoked, no matter how many pills you swallowed, you couldn't feel that high again. So finally you went out and and found yourself a dealer.

Your tried to be responsible about it, only using at friends houses, and never driving while high. But you started making small exceptions, and soon you were doing it in your own apartment. Your girlfriend acted like she was okay with it, but she was becoming more and more distant with each day and each "exception". Then one day you crossed the line. You went into work high, and you got caught. Your boss didn't call the cops, but you were fired immediately.

It only went down hill from there. Your girlfriend left you immediately, saying that the drug had taken over your life, and she loved you too much to watch. Your were barely making enough money before to support your habit and still pay the bills, so slowly but surely, you stopped paying them one by one, until your savings was gone and you were kicked out of your apartment. You lived out of your car for awhile, but eventually you even sold that to fuel your addiction.

Months later, you were sitting in an alleyway, shaking because you hadn't gotten your fix for the day. That was when your ex-girlfriend walked by. It broke her heart to see you like that, as she had never stopped loving you for even a moment. She hurried you into her car and drove you 7 hours to your parent's home, and after a heart tearing reunion, you were checked into rehab.

After the hardest weeks of your life, you walked out that clinic renewed. You had accepted that you were and always would be an addict, but with the help of your loved ones, you would stay clean. You got back together with the woman who probably saved your life, and the two of you eventually got married. You got a job, found a place to live, and your life was on track again. But as it usually does, temptation reared it's ugly head once again years later.

You were walking to work when you crossed paths with someone you never wanted to see again. Your dealer. He wanted you back as a customer, and he knew just how to do it. He gave you a free sample. It sat in your coat pocket all day, with you rationalizing all the time why you couldn't just throw it out. When you got home you sat it on the table and stared at it. Your wife was gone for the weekend, and would never need to know if you took the drugs. Your loved her so much, and didn't want to hurt her, but the need to feel that high just one more time was too much.

And so you gave in. And that's how you died. The drugs were tainted and when your wife returned days later, she found you on the couch with the needle still in your hand.

so seriously Apple, get it together. You are ruining families and lives by making your products so fucking amazing. Please just tone them down a bit and start saving lives.

Sincerely,
Me

so there it is. oh boy oh boy I sure hope I get a response. anyway... here's a comic CTVF

Gonna take your mama out all night

so I was waiting around walmart the other day so I could hang out with a friend. while I was waiting  I saw people entering and leaving the town. now most people just passed by without me noticing. but some... well some people encouraged thoughts...


Not even if I were straight
(the fat chick who dressed skinny)

Buddy, it's called a bra. Go get one.
(the fat guy who was running)

Where are your boobs... Oh I see them, down by your belly button.
(the really old lady in the tube top)

I know you just got new shirts but please... Stay shirtless for now ;-)
(hot shirtless guy leaving the store)

Holy hipsters batman!
(take a wild guess)

I'll buy what you're selling ;-)
(comcast guy out front)

MILF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(the hot mom)

I wonder if he knows he's adopted?
(the really white dad with the REALLY black son)


and there were more, but these were the ones who stuck out in my mind. I think I might have to make this a regular event for me. it was pretty fun. well here is the comic for the day  CTVF

so... i herd u liek mudkipz

I feel horrible... I've been neglecting my blog... I swear to god I don't mean to... but some days I don't have ideas... this feels like my digipet... I swear to Kathy, I WILL NOT LET YOU DIE DIVIDE BY ZERO!!!! And with that in mind, I'll do my best to update at least twice a week.

so here's my thing for the day... my aunt Alicia (well... I use the term aunt because she's my uncles girlfriend, but that's a mouthful) is freaking amazing. I know most (if not all) of you are on facebook with me so you've probably seen it, but for those who haven't, my aunt got me a jawbreaker and it's the size of a freaking softball. 

and so that inspired me to list my favorite candies that are currently in circulation. (this list is in no particular order.)

• Peanut M&Ms
• 100 Grand
• Normal M&Ms
• Jawbreakers
• M&M minis
• Snickers
• Kit Kat
• Hershey's milk chocolate
• Hershey's Special Dark.

now don't get me wrong boys and girls. I do enjoy other candies. but these are the ones I'm almost always in the mood for. other candy gets old after awhile though. now that that's over with... here's a comic ^_^ CTVF

pardon me but I believe this gum was yours.

k I'm going to do this one really quick. there are good kissers and there are bad kissers. the good kissers can pretty much all be lumped together as "good kissers" but the bad ones... there are a few different types

#1
The Face Eater
you know what I'm talking about. the people who open their mouths as wide as they can possibly get it and basically try to make out with your entire face.

#2
The Tall Man
similar to the face eater, the tall man opens their mouth too much. but rather than opening it in all directions, the only open it vertically, resulting in then sucking on your nose a bit.

#3
The Wide Horizon
these people seem to think all you need to make out is a really wide mouth, with no vertical room at all.

#4
The Pinhole
completely different from the first three, these people keep their mouth almost entirely closed.

#5
The Puckerfish
they pucker their lips and ram them against yours. provides no satisfaction to you, and usually turns you into an accidental face eater.

#6
The Smushee
the smushee specializes in doing nothing with their lips. they just let their lips just slide around like useless slabs of meat. gennerally acompanied with your face getting covered in about as much drool as with the face eater.

#7
The Botox Beauty
the same issue as the smushee, but rather than let their lips slide around, they keep them tight and rigid. it's like making out with a wall.

#8
The Licker
these are the ones get their tongue all over your whole face. a really bad licker can actually stop your lips from making contact with anything but their tongue.

#9
The Choker
these are my most despised. they're the ones who shove their tongue so far down your throat that you actually gag. and they don't do anything else with their tongues, just in and out and in and out.

there are others as well, but these are the nine most common. I've made out with a lot of people in my life and I can tell you what... nothing can ruin your day like a bad kiss. thank god I've got my boyfriend. and now for a comic. CTVF

don't get too excited yet...

Today Chief U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker announced in a 136-page decision his ruling on the proposition 8 court case. In it he overturned proposition 8 and opened the way for same sex marriage across the country.

"Moral disapproval alone is an improper basis on which to deny rights to gay men and lesbians. The evidence shows conclusively that Proposition 8 enacts, without reason, a private moral view that same-sex couples are inferior to opposite-sex couples,"

and as I said, this decision represents federal opinion which supersedes state and local laws. thus this opens the way for any same sex couple in any state to get married. this is an enormous step forward for human rights, and i for one am glad to see it happen.

that all being said... calm the fuck down you nitwits. this is only a bottom rung decision, which will likely be appealed to the circuit court, and eventually the supreme court. there is no way of knowing how the higher courts will rule, and this decision could be overturned VERY quickly.

an interesting sidenote, this ruling could have a HUGE effect on court rulings that focus around religion, and the separation of church and state.

now here's a comic about how this decision was really made. CTVF

excuse me sir... that's my shoe...

this one is for you guys. we all know there are certain unwritten rules about using the urinal... well I'm writing them down.

The Urinal Commandments

I.

upon entering the restroom, thou shalt not take a station in the middle if there is no one else there. thou shall instead move either all the way to the left, or all the way to the right until you are at the end of the row.

II.

upon entering the restroom, if there is one other person, thou shalt stand as far away from them as possible, with an exception being if the furthest urinal is the short urinal. then thou has the option of moving to the next furthest urinal away. (this exception is void if there are only 3 urinals. then you MUST take the short urinal)

III.

upon entering the bathroom, if there are multiple people at the urinals, thou shalt place thyself as far from every one as possible. should standing next to one person be unavoidable, you must do it in a way that distances yourself from everyone else, rather than standing side by side with two other men.

IV.

whilst standing at the urinal, though shalt not look around the bathroom. thou shalt instead either look straight ahead, or down. eye contact with your fellow man is strictly forbidden.

V.

thou shalt never talk with thine fellow man whilst either of you are using the urinal. seriously... NEVER.

VI.

upon entering the bathroom, should all urinals be taken, though shalt taketh a stall and use a toilet, rather than wait for a urinal to empty. this is even if you think your fellow man is almost done. should all stalls be taken, thou shall wait as though thou are waiting for a stall rather than a urinal, but may move to a urinal should one become free.

seriously people... learn these laws and obey them. or I shall come for you. now here's a comic boys and girls. CTVF

the slurpee story.

here's a story I wrote. I hope you all enjoy it because I've been writing it since yesterday. (yes that's why I didn't post yesterday. suck it up)

Mike sat on a bench, reading a book and drinking a Slurpee. It was dark out now, but the street lamp left him with enough light to continue reading. He set his drink down to turn the page, and as he did so a couple of thugs walked up.

“Hey queer, what you reading?” one thug asked.

“The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy” Mike replied without even looking up.

“Sounds like a fag book” the second hood said.

“Where are your heels and dress fag?” The first piped in.

Mike shrugged without saying a word, and kept reading. Then he lifted up his Slurpee and took a drink.

“Oh well now we KNOW he’s queer. Only a fag would drink that shit.” Said thug number two

“Yeah man, those things fucking suck.” The first thug practically spat that last word out at Mike. He stood up and looked the thug right in the eye.

“Listen here asshole, you can make fun of my sexual orientation, my taste in books, and even the fact that I walk surprisingly well in heels. But NEVER mock Slurpees.

“What you gonna do about it, faggot?” the second thug asked

“Just don’t do it again.” And with that Mike went back to his book and drink.

The first thug bent over and got right in Mike’s face

“Slurpees are fucking gross.”

Some time later, Mike was in court.

“We can now hear closing arguments from the defense.” The judge said.

Jeff was fresh out of law school when he was contacted by Mike. They hadn’t seen each other in years, but it sounded like Mike needed help. Now he had his first case ever, and he couldn’t help but feel he was in way over his head. So far it looked like his friend was going to jail for a very long time. Still, he had one last idea, and he hoped it would at least get the sentence reduced.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. You know exactly what happened. Both parties have told you the exact same story. My client, no… my friend, Mike admits to killing one person and leaving another paralyzed from the waist down. We’re not asking you to determine whether or not that happened. What we need from the 12 of you is a ruling on whether or not this crime was justified.”

Jeff took a deep breath. He couldn’t believe what he was about to say.

“The victim admits that he and his deceased friend verbally assaulted my client, but more importantly, they mocked the infinite glory that is the Slurpee. I’ve had a Slurpee machine with an assortment of flavors placed in the jury room. I implore you to try one, so you know exactly how my client felt, before you make your decision.”

The judge sent the jury to deliberate, and Jeff sat back down, knowing his friend was doomed. He looked over at Mike, who was absent mindedly doodling in a notebook during the entire proceedings. Jeff couldn’t understand how he could be so relaxed, when he was obviously going to spend the rest of his life in prison.

After only 10 minutes, the jury came back into the court room. Jeff braced himself for the inevitable ruling. That’s when the unbelievable happened. The foreman stood up and read what they’d decided.

“after some brief discussion, and trying the Slurpees, we find the defendant to be not guilty”

Jeff couldn’t believe what he had just heard. He turned to look at the expression on his clients face.  Mike had a slightly disgruntled look on his face.

“Does this looks like a urinal to you?” he asked. And he held up a doodle for Jeff to look at.

“Mike, you just got off! Aren’t you excited?!”

“Eh… I knew I’d get off.” Mike set down his drawing.

“How could you possibly have known that? You admitted to killing one guy and paralyzing another! You should be in jail right now!”

“Jeff… have you ever actually had a Slurpee?” and with that, Mike walked out and headed straight to the nearest 7-11.

 I hope you all enjoyed that. I know I did. to finish off this post, here's a quick comic. and remember CTVF (Click To View Full)